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3:21am on Wednesday the 22nd of May
TUESDAY'S GREGALOGUE: HOW GUNS WORK

And now, to my second favorite topic: guns.

(My first favorite topic? knee socks.)

Now, if you need proof that having a gun in your household is a smart move (it's like owning a tiny, potty-trained dog that shoots bullets) then ponder the F out of this fun story.

Last night, In Portland, Oregon, a man named Timothy James Chapek called 911. The reason: He was terrified, and in distress. He thought he was going to die, and rightly so. After all, he had an unkempt beard.

But more important, Chapak had broken into a house, and was there, in the bathroom taking a shower - when the homeowner returned. The homeowner asked Chapek what he was doing, and Chapek responded by locking himself in the john, and calling 911.

The reason? He told the 911 operator: he thought the owner, a woman, had a gun. Yep, he sought the help of law enforcement because he feared an armed lady who he just tried to rob.

The homeowner also called the cops, but the real story is the change in behavior, whenever a gun enters the picture. If someone thinks - and fears - that you have a gun, he becomes wonderfully compliant.

Which means, when a gun arrives, the lifespan of a crime diminishes, too. Here, the homeowner didn't have to brandish a pistol. The thought of one, was enough.

Anyway, the perp ended up in jail - and I don't think the homeowner really had a gun to begin with.

What mattered: the intruder thought otherwise.

And if you disagree with me, it's over between us.

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