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5:36am on Sunday the 16th of June
THURSDAY'S GREGALOGUE: SLOW MOTION AND RANDOM ACTS OF COOLNESS

You know what I hate most in the world right now?

If you said griffins, you'd be close.

It's actually the use of slow motion in films and television.

With the exception of showing whether a catch was in or out of bounds - the gimmick is only used to glorify amoral activity.

Example: yesterday, I was straddling a stair climber (Raul, I believe) when in front of me on the gym tv, a rock video featured a slow-motion scene of a band member swaggering through a grocery store, casually knocking over rows of products.

The mayhem looks like art - and when it becomes art, its consequences are forgotten.

But how would this glorification of idiocy roll in real life?

I worked in a grocery store, Albertsons - actually - and I can tell you without question: if any punk pulled that crap there, the reaction would be swift and painful. We enjoyed catching shoplifters, because meting out justice on them made the rest of the hours bearable. And boy did we mete. We had our own mete department. That rocker would have been tomorrow's turkey loaf.

That's because in the real world, there are consequences - and there are people who have to clean up messes - whether it's painting over graffiti or mopping up after a WTO riot.

Sadly, in absence of achievement or the desire to glorify it, we are left with random acts of coolness. But these acts don't work in "real time." They can only appear interesting if they unfold slowly. Which is why in the world of entertainment, stuff like vandalism, protesters rioting or simply weeping - are slowed to a crawl in order to create a majestic spin on infantile behavior.

Show them in real time, and you're left with a carnival of losers - best ignored at any speed.

And if you disagree with me, you probably eat babies.

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