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11:18pm on Thursday the 15th of November
THURSDAY'S GREGALOGUE: USA TODAY

So, in yet another fine example of daring investigative journalism by our nation's high school paper, USA Today, on the front they feature an adoring picture of Barack's wife, next to a headline that reads, "What Kind of First Lady Will Michelle Obama be?"

Well, if it's a USA Today piece, you know they're going to raise some shocking possibilities! For example:

-Will she reveal a charming, but tough side that reflects a modern day Jackie Kennedy?

-Will she help her husband make the hard decisions, as well as redecorate?

-Will she be a loving mother, who tries to keep it real by cooking burritos?

-Is she actually a serial killer, one that uses the First Lady moniker as a brilliant cover to perform her grisly deeds?

Yes, yes, yes, yes and I wish.

See - I love USA Today for never letting me down in their predictable, predictableness. They lead the pack in what I call Alzheimer's journalism, in that they keep reporting the same story over and over again, as if it has NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!!

Oh my God: it's snowing in Buffalo! In January! Oh look: With Christmas approaching, time to break out those "how to deal with holiday stress" features! Somebody get me a quote from Dr. Phil!

And you wonder why newspapers are in the crapper.

With the exception of a few enterprising journalists, most editors and their underlings are lazy... content to poop out the same old crud, rather than do something new. Worse, their idea of risk taking is lamer than something really lame. I mean, if I had a dollar for every hack who "spent a night being homeless" and then wrote about it, I'd have like at least twenty bucks. And they'd all smell funny.

Anyway, I only read USA Today for the pie charts. They make me hungry.

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