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11:14pm on Thursday the 15th of November
THURSDAY'S GREGALOGUE: HOLLYWOOD, BANKERS, AND THE FINANCIAL CRISIS

Now I confess to know nothing about finance, but I think I figured out why Wall Street is in a crapload of trouble.

It`s Hollywood.

See, every month or so a movie comes out containing a familiar scene with a single mother, or a farmer, or a single mother farmer, entering a bank to see about a loan. The loan would help save her home, her company or pay for her sick daughter's breast implants. Of course, the evil banker sees she's a financial risk and turns her down. In Hollywood, the banker is always the bad guy. It`s worse than being white.

So how funny is it, that in real life, it`s that evil banker who's the good guy. Think about it: if bankers had actually said NO to people who really couldn't afford their dreamhomes - we wouldn`t be in this mess.

Okay, it`s not that funny. But can you really blame the bankers for this? After decades of being painted as evil folks, it must feel great to let a couple of meth-heads afford their first domicile that didn't have wheels.

I kid the meth-heads.

But bankers aren`t the only victims in Hollywood. There, the good guys are always bad, and the bad guys always good. That killer on death row is always more Christlike than Christ, and the cop who put him there is Satan. Serial killers are played by Brad Pitt - and hookers are played by Julia Roberts. Oh those whores - in films they have a heart of gold, instead of incurable syphilis.

So look at this financial crisis as a lesson that it's the people Hollywood hate most who make the world go round. So once jerky bankers go back to being jerky bankers, everything will be fine again. It isn't much of a Hollywood ending, but it`s a happy one.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler.

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