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11:14pm on Thursday the 18th of April
BEST PRESIDENTS EVER
In honor of Presidents Day, let's look at some of the most kick-ass chief execs of all time! Please keep in mind that I have recently suffered a very serious head injury.

Chester A. Arthur
Is he the only U.S. President to be named Chester? Probably, but who cares. He was known as "The Father of the Civil Service," due to his Herculean reproductive abilities. Also known as "Elegant Arthur," he changed his pants several times a day (see previous sentence). Shares a birthday with Kate Winslet, Nicky Hilton, and Melrose Place star Josie Bissett, all of whom he would undoubtedly bang. Libra.

Rutherford B. Hayes
It used to be you could look like a gentleman of no fixed address and still lead the country. Known among Democrats as "Rutherfraud" because it was thought he had stolen the 1876 election, the last time in U.S. history such a charge would be leveled against a sitting president. Signed a bill allowing female attorneys to argue cases before the Supreme Court, but hey, we all make mistakes. Is considered a hero in Paraguay, because who else are those people gonna look up to? You? Ha.

James K. Polk
For me it's all about the mullet. Remember in Dune when the story skipped ahead like a year and Patrick Stewart had that sweet baldullet? That was awesome. Anyway, Polk banned dancing, card-playing, and alcoholic beverages from the White House, probably because it's tough to have any fun when you grow up with a name like that. He died of cholera 3 months after his single term ended, a courtesy our current ex-presidents might want to keep in mind.

James Buchanan
He was the only bachelor president, so if you don't like him you are a homophobe. His niece served as his First Lady, which future historians will consider the most unusual White House living arrangements until the first and fourth Hillary Clinton administrations. His indecision in dealing with the secession of the South is widely believed to have led directly to the Civil War, but I suppose you're perfect.

George W. Bush
I like him because you don't! Please enjoy the crisp, delicious taste of Them Apples.

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