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1:41pm on Thursday the 20th of June
MARKETERRORISM

These vermin want you to call it "viral marketing" and junk like that, but don't fall for it. Not after they've tried to blow up the city of Boston with Lite Brites. Look, I'm as open-minded as the next guy, but your right to promote a basic-cable cartoon show ends where my right not to be scared out of my wits by a child's toy begins. And that's not even taking into account their Crimes Against Hygiene.

We are all of us on the front lines of this war on marketerrorism, and you people need to wake the hell up and follow these steps:

  • If you're walking down the street and somebody tries to hand you a flyer, it may already be too late. Administer a series of crushing throat-punches to the marketerrorist, taking him or her to the sidewalk. Continue as needed until the cessation of any sales pitches or begging (AKA "mercy-spam").
  • When shopping at the supermarket, be on the lookout for marketerrorists offering bite-sized samples of various foodstuffs. Besides the long-term risk of heart disease, there is also the more immediate threat of choking on those little toothpicks. One well-placed shot to the marketerrorist's forehead with a Browning Hi-Power Mark III will make the shopping experience safer for everyone. Well, almost everyone.
  • If you have a phone, fax, television, and/or computer, you may not be safe in your own home. At the first sign of marketerrorist infestation (i.e., brief, frenetic TV programs endorsing products and services, callers with odd accents who address you by your first name when you go by your middle name, the word "Hello"), the infected equipment must be cleansed with fire. The thought-poison can spread through the wiring and indeed the very air itself, so don't be shy about dousing the entire area with kerosene.
  • Smile!
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