9:09am on Friday the 6th of December
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Fresh from the The Independent


By Berrka
I think the Security Council will act quickly and decisively, unless the French, Russians, or Chinese have any contracts with the Asteroid. In which case we are all screwed.

Anyway, Who do I bribe to get a license to sell Asteroid Oil?
By Laconic
I propose they immediately pass a nonbinding resolution to denounce, in the strongest terms possible, any detrimental impact of the asteroid to our planet. Unless the damage can somehow be confined to the US, but not anywhere near NY.

Also, a delegation should be sent on the shuttle to open talks with the asteroid immediately.
By mynameischris
what is this 'UN' you speak of and where can i sign up? this raping.. i mean asteroid gabeldy-goo really has my raping juices flowing
By mynameischris
i've done it again haven't i
By kaiserD

By WaldoFeathers
The REAL question is, who will decorate the Drought's Manhattan apartment, and, how much will Asteroid be expected to pay for parking? Oh, wait, free parking for Asteroid.
By Dan Collins
It's a little O/T, but what kind of monkey-head is your monkey-head? I ask because it looks sorta like the photo of McCain over at Hot Air right now, and because cartoonists everywhere are wondering.

Also, could you pass it through that celebrity resemblance matcher, and see what you get? That would be cool.

By SuperWedgie
Does the asteroid have a manical dictator with which the UN can do business with?
By ClydeS
The UN will only go after asteroids if there are oil vouchers involved. Or women and children with whom its "peacekeepers" [guffaw!] can exchange food for sexual favors. UN: Worthless then, worthless now, worthless forever.
By Right...
Does this astroid have a green card or is it going to be another illegal? One thing is for sure and for certain... If the UN is involved it will be f'ed up.

Get the US out of the UN and the UN out of the US!
By JackReacher
Couldn't we just ship a few hundred tons of KY Jelly to the asstroid and let it just "ease into" the earth? Remember, according to folklore, (and not personal experience), it will only hurt for a moment.
By salvator m
is this a real story or the plot line for the next team america: world police movie?
By JeffWoehrle
Hillary Clinton has issued a statement blaming ExxonMobil for the impending doom. "Bill and I had a handle on this asteroid business, but Bush is letting it get away with everything!"

Al Gore insists that the asteroid can be reversed, if only we raise taxes on the rich and all drive a Prius.

Glad somebody's on the case!
By politicz
This is the apocalypse all those Bible-thumping conservatives have been waiting for! Who knew God was gonna blow us up with a giant space rock? Hey, at least when it hits the Earth we won't have to deal with those gays trying to ruin the sanctity of marriage and those dumbass hippies burning the flag!
By Berrka
Sadly politicz, only cockroaches and hippies will survive the apocalypse, the living (cockroaches) will truly envy the dead
By natesnake
"dumbass hippies" indeed. It sounds like you know a few.

I for one will write a very harsh letter to the UN letting them know how I feel about this rogue asteriod. In turn, I fully expect the UN to sanction the asteriod after completion of a 20 year letter writing campaign detailing how disappointed the UN is with the asteriod's actions.

The pen is mightier than the sword!
By JackReacher
I understand there are requests to bring back Kofe Anan, who in turn will bring back his son Goofy, (or whatever his name is), who will bribe the asstroid officials to hit another far away planet, like San Francisco.
By Ned Flanders
Howdily-doo, I suggest that the UN appoint a committee of the most high-diddily ranking technical peoples of the world -- like the Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Syria, Jordan, Tunisia, Libya -- you know, all those countries that have a state-diddily religion that starts with "I" and ends in "M" -- because they're so advanced and just a teensy bit insane in the ol' membrane. Allah's will and all.
By SimianWarhead
Pooh-Pooh on you all. We have much to learn from all cultures- including the asteroids. Why not wait until one slams into the earth before you pass any of you right-wing meat-eating patriarchal fascist judgment upon it! Pigs!
By Schmofo
In order to save the earth the asteroid must be nudged into a safer orbit via some kind of explosive, for example. This technology could be tested on a smaller scale using an object with similar inertia, such as the UN.

Oh, wait. "UN" and "asteroid" are reversed. That would make better sense.

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